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Editor's column: It doesn't have to be a slow boat

July 17, 2010
By Per Peterson

To combat the growing Asian carp problem in rivers in Illinois, the governor there has proposed catching the fish and sending them to China. For some reason, these bloated beasts are a delicacy over there.

It's all in an effort to keep the voracious monsters from getting into the Great Lakes and potentially bringing the fishing industry there to its knees.

Not a bad idea, and it got me to thinking, what (or who) else can we send our friends to the East?

Here are some thoughts:

n The Twins' starting rotation. OK, keep Carl Pavano, but I don't think anyone would be too broken up if we were to ship out Scott Baker, Kevin Slowey, Nick Blackburn and Francisco Liriano - the four clueless horsemen. These four duds are the biggest reason the Twins are in third place in the AL Central. Besides, baseball's pretty big in China; I'm sure they could use some more arms, even dead ones like these.

n Lindsey Lohan. It's not enough this fallen star can't keep up on her probation and can't stay out of court, but she had the audacity to paint an obscenity on one of her fingernails for her most recent court appearance. Nice move, Lindsey. She wouldn't be missed.

Lohan's not the only actor on this list, however.

n Perhaps she and Mel Gibson could share an actor's suite on our boat to China. Gibson's mouth has been known to get him in trouble and in a recording released Monday by a celebrity news website, the sexist is heard saying he hit the mother of his 8-month-old daughter. He also told his then-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva that she "deserved" to be hit. Last week, a recording posted by included comments it said came from Gibson telling Grigorieva that she was dressing too provocatively and that it would be her fault if she were raped. He apparently used the N-word at one point. Looks like the carp won't be the only monsters on this boat.

n I think it would also be just to send Chris Bosh, Dewayne Wade and LeBron James on the boat as well. We could tell them the Heat are playing some preseason games abroad. The three, especially James, really need to work on getting their names out there a little more. They've been so sheltered this summer, almost as if they were living in seclusion. Let the Chinese experience LeBron-mania for a while.

n Shaquille O'Neal can take his reality show "Shaq Vs." along with him to China. The second season of "Shaq Vs." will take the focus off athletic competitions. O'Neal will have a cook-off with Rachael Ray and a hot-dog-eating contest with competitive eating champion Joey Chestnut. He'll also compete in a dance crew competition with teen heartthrob Justin Bieber. What's a dance crew competition? Go to China and find out. Shaq is watching his career as a powerful force in the NBA disintegrate before his eyes. He was fun to watch on the court, but when it comes to reality TV- a waste of time anyway - it's kinda pathetic.

Since this would be a rather large boat, there's plenty of room for more members. Everyone has their own list of people they could live without, or people they're just sick of hearing about or reading about. My list extends beyond what is being published in the space, but I could never fit them all here - people like Lady GaGa, Gen McChrystal, oil company executives, anyone who thinks Oswald acted alone, etc.

It's all pretend, so have some fun with it - anyway, what's could be better than envisioning a life without people who bother you. Or fish, for that matter.



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