My friends at the Independent threw me a little party Friday - something about a rumor that I turned 40 that day - and I'd like to thank them for not doing the cake thing that would've surely included the obligatory blowing out of the candles. But if sometime during the next 48 hours someone decides to bring me a cake and I was forced to blow out the inferno that 40 candles can create, I guess that means I would have that many wishes at my disposal.
So, at the risk of my wishes not coming true, and even though I haven't blown out a single birthday candle since the '80s, I am divulging my birthday wishes in this column:
I wish the protesters in New York would continue protesting through the rest of the year. I don't know why exactly; I'm not sure they'll make a difference. But if they believe so strongly in what their protesting for they shouldn't let a little thing like winter stop them.
I wish my daughter was 4 again.
I wish for a brown Christmas.
And a brown January.
I wish high school football was played on Thursdays and Fridays throughout the season, not just during MEA week. Saturdays would work, too.
I wish I had my own radio talk show.
I wish I was a member of the "super committee."
I wish the Internet would just go away already.
I wish fall colors would stay around longer.
I wish Kit-Kats were bigger.
I wish Leslie Frazier had a backbone and would bench McNabb.
I wish I had more "me" time.
I wish Halloween always fell on a Saturday.
I wish the Michael Jackson story would fade away. And by fade away, I mean end right now.
I wish we could get KFAN out here.
I wish seafood was cheaper.
I wish politicians would practice what they preach.
I wish Michael Scott would come back.
I wish Chris Christie would've run for president. Not that I think he would make a good commander in chief, but given the field of GOP candidates, the party sure could've used the jolt.
I wish all schools would go zero-tolerance on bullying of any form.
I wish more people would drive 55.
I wish Marshall would get a Chinese buffet back. It's about time, right? Five (going on six) pizza places and no Chinese buffet? That's criminal. It's hard to beat pizza, but nothing says satisfying like "all-you-can-eat Chinese food."
I wish bottled water was free. But until it is, you can make your own. Here's what you need: A bottle. Directions: Add water.
I wish cats cleaned out their own litter boxes.
I wish "Caddyshack II" never happened.
I wish student-to-teacher ratios were smaller.
I wish my father wasn't in a wheelchair and my mother never had a stroke.
I wish I was in college again.
I wish I could make my cheeseburgers taste more like fast food.
I wish mouthwash didn't make it feel like your mouth is on fire.
I wish TV networks would interview people like Hank Williams Jr. more often. The legendary singer got reeled in by FOX and made a fool of himself, true, but he's the kind of person who speaks his mind. We need to hear from these people more. Williams continued making the rounds after his FOX appearance and was on The View this past week where he said, "Mickey is a mean mouse," a shot at the Walt Disney Company, which owns ESPN and The View. God that's priceless. Atta boy, Junior. Keep 'em comin'.
I wish the Dow was always up and oil was always down.
I wish I knew tonight's Powerball numbers.
I wish Corn Flakes didn't taste like the inside of a box.
I wish people would realize journalists are human and do make mistakes.
I wish ice cream didn't melt.
I wish Monopoly money was accepted at stores.
I wish more people understood politics.
I wish more people understood "Seinfield."
I wish I was 39.