I have my own set of resolutions for 2012, but outside of my mastery of pun-ology, I'm pretty boring. So I won't bore you with my personal goals for the new year. What I will do is offer up resolutions we could be hearing from some very public figures in this state and country.
Note/warning: Chances are pretty good not all these resolvers will follow through on their plans, but, as they say, it's nice to dream.
From the Minnesota Legislature: We, the elected lawmakers of Minnesota, resolve to get along this year. We all realize our political careers are on the line, so we know it would behoove us to work together, as a team, to get through this session and actually adjourn on time. There will be no special session, no shutdown. We will have spirited, lively debates, but in the end we will come together as one political body to ensure the prosperity of this great state. We will (gulp) compromise.
Many of us were freshmen last year, and with our first session now under our belts, we feel more confident entering the 2012 session. We know now what to expect in our daily work. Will there be issues? Of course there will. Many of us are Republicans, and with a Democratic governor, there are sure to be contentious times at the Capitol. But rest assured, we won't let a little thing like partisanship get in the way of leading this state.
Oh, and we will get that stadium thing figured out. Cross our hearts.
P.S.: Don't forget to vote in November. We know we whiffed in 2011, but don't let what happened affect how you vote this fall. Let bygones be bygones, K?
From our politicians in Washington: What they said.
From the Vikings: Thanks for a great year, Vikings fans. Things didn't exactly work out for us this season - we blew some big leads, but look at the bright side: at least we had leads - and we promise the upcoming campaign will be different. For starters, we pinky swear we won't sign an old quarterback. Was McNabb a mistake? We suppose you could say that, but it's not like we were the only team to take a chance on him. We promise to give Joe Webb and Christian Ponder equal chances to earn the starting quarterback spot for the 2012 season. May the best man win or whoever's wearing No. 7. And don't worry about Adrian Peterson, we promise he'll be fine. It's in his DNA to be fine. Guy's like a machine. We also promise to draft an offensive lineman in April - one you've heard of. We have some work ahead of us, but rest assured, 2012-13 will not be a rebuilding year. We don't like that word around here too much. Skoal, Vikings!
From Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann: I plan to fade into relative obscurity once I fall out of the race for the nomination and to stop giving the national media more fodder of which to make fun of me with and, in turn, the state I so proudly represent: Iowa, er, Minnesota. (BTW: I was serious about that two-dollar gasoline thing. Your loss).
From Will Ferrell: First, an overdue apology for Land of the Lost; feels really good to finally get that off my chest. Secondly, I promise my next character will be funnier than Ricky Bobby and Ron Burgundy combined.
From Casey Anthony: My resolution is to get my tubes tied. I know I'm unemployed and have no money to pay for the procedure, but I'm hopeful. Maybe I'll take Mr. Flynt up on his offer - I still got a rockin' body, ya know.
From Wal-Mart HQ: We promise Black Friday 2012 will be different.
From Minnesota Democrats: We promise not to kick our GOP rivals while they're down or open up old wounds at least not until August.
From Mother Nature: I got a lot out of my system last year - from Japan to Joplin - and I will do my best to keep the waters and skies calm in 2012. But y'all gotta help me out a bit with this global warming thing. You're making my job a lot more difficult than it should be. Oh, and you're welcome for the weather this winter.
From Old Man Winter: With all respect to what's her name, this is my time, and to all you snow junkies out there I resolve to return winter in Minnesota to its natural state. Brace yourself, Minnesota.
From Herman Cain: I promise I'll be back. You haven't heard the last of Herman Cain.
From the NCAA: We resolve to work out a new playoff system for college football by the time the next bowl season rolls around. We hear there have been some complaints?
From Gov. Mark Dayton: I promise not to cave again this year, and to raise taxes on the wealthiest people in this great state. P.S.: Don't forget to vote this year. We could use some new faces at the Capitol, if you know what I mean.
From The Economy: I promise to make things better in 2012. Well, maybe "promise" is too strong a word. Resolve, yah, I resolve no, that's a stretch, too; maybe, yes, maybe things will get better for all you hard-working, middle-classers out there in 2012. You have my word.
From Tim Tebow: I resolve to stay the same person I've always been and to keep pointing to the sky and praying to my creator. I know what people are saying, I watch "Saturday Night Live," but there's no way I'm changing. I'm good for pro sports. How have people not caught on to that yet?
Happy 2012 everyone. Here's hoping at least some of these promises are realized.