Not all homes are happy homes, and not all marriages are happy marriages. Unfortunately, whether homes are happy or not, there are frequently children involved. Whatever the problems are in the home, that is the environment in which the children grow and develop.

Parents are role models. The father is the child’s prototype male relationship, and the mother is the child’s prototype female relationship. Children watch their parents interact, show affection or not, show how to resolve problems and differences, display a work ethic, and so many other things.

What the children see day after day, month after month, year after year will be ingrained in that library in their brain. What they see while they are growing up will be what they think is normal. All that programming from years of growing up will carry over into their own adult lives unless somehow they can avoid being their parents.

It is normal for people in general, and parents in particular, to disagree at times. Animosity between people who are supposed to love each other puts the child at risk. Watching and hearing your parents argue is a trauma. Hearing the unpleasant things that they say, seeing the looks on their faces, exposure to heightened hostility and angry emotions, seeing them push, hit, or abuse each other is beyond a child’s ability to understand and cope. They are helpless prisoners in their parents’ turmoil.

The more frequent and intense the parental conflict, the more negative impact can be expected on the child. Arguing simply undermines the safety that a child needs to feel, and leaves that child insecure and uncertain about what is going to happen to him or her.

Most may develop a specific post-traumatic stress disorder called C-PTSD. It has been reported that about 67 percent of children exposed to parental violence have an increased risk of C-PTSD.

What other types of unfortunate impacts can the parents’ problematic behavior have on their children?

Witnessing the ugliness displayed by fighting parents will scare the child, create anxiety in the child, and at times some kids may actually feel guilty and responsible for causing their parents’ behavior.

A second impact is that the children can develop behavioral issues such as being inappropriately aggressive, acting out in some inappropriate way, or withdrawing.

Behavior problems may be expected. Increased aggression and delinquency are frequent outcomes.

Exposure to parental conflict can make it difficult for the child to fall asleep, or even stay asleep.

Having witnessed the parents’ conflictual behavior can make it quite difficult in school for a child to focus, pay attention, and learn because the memories will distract him or her.

Having witnessed and learned how not to behave in a healthy relationship, the child may well struggle to form and maintain healthy relationships in their adult life. Having learned how not to communicate appropriately, and how not to resolve conflicts will linger.

They may struggle with an impaired ability to show love and affection freely and frequently. Forming healthy relationships may then be difficult. Healthy relationships involve trust, peaceful conflict resolution, and effective communication. Their ability to have satisfactory social relationships can be impaired.

Frequent parental fighting can also harm the child’s brain development. Watching their parents misbehave and mistreat each other may be expected to impact the child’s ability to regulate his or her own emotions. Emotion regulation is an important brain function.

Children and teenagers have very little options for dealing with their parents’ behavior. They may withdraw to some safe place in the house, or even in the neighborhood, to escape. If they are lucky they may have someone to talk to, but that might not be possible. If they are old enough they may leave the home, but that may not be possible or realistic in most instances.

There are so many things that they cannot control, and they are stuck.

In conclusion, parents simply need to get their act together and pay attention to who is watching and hearing them argue. They need to be aware of the impact that that is having on their children. The truth is that nobody wins an argument because they are too busy making the case for their own position and not really listening to what the other side has to say.

All that happens in an argument is a lot of things are said and done that spoil their relationship, without any actual solution being the result. Neither side wants to lose, so they both lose. The goal of an argument is to win, not to solve anything. Arguing is a process of verbal and even physical abuse with the ultimate impact being on the children.

— Dr. Joseph Switras provides clinical psychological services at United Health District in Fairmont to people age 5 and up.